A Bad Goodbye
by LoveforPenandDerek
Summary: When Emily tells the team she is leaving, Reid does not take the news well.
1. Chapter 1

**Note- **_This story is slightly spoilerish.__It is also very angsty so don't expect any happy moments until the end._

**A Bad Goodbye**

**Chapter One**

**May 2012**

"I wanted to be the one to tell you all," Emily Prentiss said as the BAU team all stood around the round table room after a particularly brutal case "I've decided to take a job with Interpol. I leave next week."

A gasp rose up in the small confined space as she caught them all off gaurd- especially Dr. Spencer Reid, who hated goodbyes.

His throat started to close, in panic, and all he could manage to squeak out was "You're leaving us?"

The tender apologetic look she gave back said it all. Soon she would be gone from his day-to-day life again, leaving an empty hole that could never be filled by any new team member who might one day replace her.

No one could be who Emily was to them all. Who she was to _Reid_.

Suddenly there wasn't enough air in the room and Reid knew he had to get out of there as quick as possible. Pushing past his co-worker, Derek Morgan, who tried to stop him, Reid fled out the door and ended up near the elevator.

"Reid!" Emily called, hurrying to catch up with him. "Wait, please!"

When she reached him she touched his arm, but he refused to look at her, as he blinked back tears. He hated how emotional he could get. It only made him feel childish and after all he had been through in his thirty years of life he was very far from being a child. The innocence that once resided in his spirit had been trampled down and stomped on way too many times for much of it to remain- or much trust in anyone, much hopefulness, or much happiness either.

Working at the BAU was a bitch on a soul.

It ripped a person apart, broke them down to their basest level and didn't give a damn if they ever got built back up again. It took things, pieces of themselves, they couldn't live very well without and couldn't ever get back after they were gone. It destroyed relationships, ended lives, took sanity and health and played with both like they were whims.

Yet he stayed here, despite wondering why he was doing this to himself, all because his co-workers were more than just teammates to him. They were family and what they all did when they were together, catching serial killers, was important.

But he didn't want to do it anymore without Emily. She was only one person on a team of seven but she had come to mean so much to Reid. She understood him in ways that the others didn't. Treated him like an adult when he would forever be a kid to Morgan, Garcia and Hotch. Emily could get Reid to talk about things he didn't want to talk about, to understand feelings he was having about his life, his mother, his choices and goals.

She just had a way with him and he didn't want to lose that again.

A year before he had been told she was dead- killed by an unsub. His world had seemed to fall out under his feet. It didn't seem right that her beautiful life was snuffed out because the team couldn't get to her in time. He still needed Emily but she was just gone. Reid had wanted to use drugs desperately then, wanted to fall into emptiness and madness. His headaches worsened, brought on by stress, and he wondered if he was having a psychotic break.

He had never known how much he really needed Emily's friendship until he believed she was dead and gone forever. Then the world didn't make sense at all anymore for him.

But it had all been a lie. She was hiding in Paris, waiting for the moment she could safely return to them. She hadn't wanted to leave them.

This time wasn't like that. She was choosing to break up the team, to hurt Reid this way, choosing to leave them all...to leave him.

Feeling her hand resting on his arm was a burning warmth he didn't want to feel so Reid jerked away. "Don't!"

"I'm sorry! This is just something I have to do!"

Quickly he turned and looked at her, tears burning in his eyes. "No, Emily," he hissed "this is something you are choosing to do!"

She sighed and titled her head to the side. Dropping her voice, she whispered "I am not disappearing from your life, I promise. We will still talk all the time."

"It won't be the same!" The elevator doors opened and he walked on.

Turning to look back at her, as their eyes met and held, he wondered how he would keep from crying on her last day of work. Right now his nose ached from unshed tears and his throat was clogged. Reid had never been able to get through goodbyes without feeling gutted inside, abandoned and rejected, wondering why he had ever bothered to let his heart feel at all.

Right before the doors of the elevator closed, Emily said "You're right. It won't be the same between us anymore but it could be better...Reid, it's your choice."

The doors closed, leaving him wondering what kind of choice he really had. At the moment all it felt like he could do was mourn losing Emily from the team, from being able to see her nearly everyday of his life, from working with her, from the chance to have the meaningful talks just when he needed it most.

She had come to mean more and more to him everyday since she returned back to the BAU but now it was all ending. This time she wasn't forced to go into hiding. This time she decided she could do without the team, without Reid.

Once he made it to his car, he lay his head back against the driver's seat and closed his eyes, as he blinked down the tears. This time he would not let himself cry over her.

Emily had chosen this path. The road that would take her far from the BAU, far from him. If she was okay with that then somehow Reid would have to be too.

Even though it tore him apart inside to lose another person who meant so much to him. Somehow he would get through this, knowing all along he would be less for the loss, because life would give him no choice but to survive this pain, without the aid of pharmaceuticals.

No, it wasn't life giving him no choice. It was Emily.


	2. Chapter 2

**Note- **_The title of this story comes from a country and western song, by Clint Black and Wynonna Judd_**.**

**A Bad Goodbye**

**Chapter Two**

**May 2012**

She had known that the team would be hurt when they heard she was taking a job with Interpol and leaving the BAU. Change was always hard on people. Plus they were all so close. More than teammates, they were a family.

And, if Emily was being honest, she had known that Dr. Spencer Reid would take it the hardest. He was sensitive and had suffered way too many goodbyes in his thirty years of life already.

There was no way he would be happy about this. They had gotten closer in the last eight months since she had returned from living in Paris- metaphorically crawling out of her own grave. She was close to all her team mates but the bond between her and Reid was special and growing stronger everyday.

Because of that she would hate to say goodbye to him but this job was too important to pass up. The criminal that they were after was someone who would surely take many more lives if he was not caught soon. This was personal for her. She had unfinished business to take care of and she couldn't just look the other way, pretend she didn't know he was still out there and that she could catch him if she made some personal sacrifices.

Emily knew what she was doing was selfish, to hurt the team this way, and unselfish at the same time, because she was giving up the life she had fought so hard to rebuild here to go live out of a suitcase and possibly get killed hunting an international fugitive.

But she didn't have a husband or kids. Wasn't close to her mother, aunts or cousins. She didn't have anything holding her here, except her good friends who made up the BAU team and she told herself they would always be her family no matter where she lived. She would be back to Washington DC eventually and they would still hang out.

This was just the job she needed to do for right now. It would give her purpose that she had been struggling to find ever since she was stuck in Paris, wondering if her life would ever be good again, if the mental scars would heal like the physical ones had.

After she went toe-to-toe with Ian Doyle, nearly giving her life to try to protect her team and Declan, the wounds she was left with were deep and severe- emotionally scarring that was worse than any physical scar could ever be. Emily didn't think she could open her heart up to another man as her lover for the rest of her life.

She was way too messed up inside for that now. The only man she was that intimately close to was Reid. And the only woman Reid would let his guard down for these days was Emily, because he still felt deeply betrayed by JJ, who had always been his best female friend. A sister, a crush, a confidant, a warm hug and a soft place to land all wrapped up in one.

Because of what Emily did when she agreed to fake her death Reid lost trust in JJ, since JJ had known the truth all along, but oddly it only brought Reid and Emily all that much more closer as they cherished their moments together since her return. Emily would miss that as much as Reid would but right now he couldn't believe that.

He had rushed from the round table room right after she announced she was leaving the team and nothing Emily said to him, once she caught him by the elevators, had lessened his anger and hurt in the slightest.

As the elevator doors closed, Emily's shoulders sagged, a weary sigh escaping her lips.

"Give him time," she heard a man say behind her.

Recognizing the voice as her boss, Aaron Hotchner, Emily slowly turned around and said "I don't think that time will do anything to fix this. I should have known he would see this as a betrayal."

"It won't be easy to be around here without you again but I understand and in time so will Reid."

"Thanks, Hotch."

He walked closer to her before saying "The team wants to go out for a drink."

"I'm not sure I'm up for it."

"They will be disappointed if you beg off. I know this last case has been exhausting but we all need to decompress, especially JJ."

Emily smiled slightly. "That's right. Tonight was supposed to be her bachelorette party. I'm surprised she isn't more frantic than she is right now."

"She's holding it in but I would assume a few drinks would be well appreciated by her right now."

"Count me in," Emily agreed, as they headed back inside the BAU.

"Meet by the elevators in fifteen," Hotch told her, as he headed for his office, saying anymore talk of Emily's exit from the team for later. She still had a week left to work with them after all.

She stood there staring at the bullpen, remembering the first day she had walked in and how nervous she had been. She wanted that job so bad- both to do good work that would challenge her mind and keep her too busy to remember the mistakes of her past, and also so she could work near Declan. Emily didn't have any close relationships in her life but with that little boy.

And then she came to the BAU and found a new family. Best friends. Co-workers who trusted her with their lives.

This had been home for so long but after Ian Doyle came back into her life she not only lied to all of the team, kept secrets, broke rules and risked everyone's life in the process, she also allowed her death to be faked, which would forever be something she hated the fact that it had ever happened. The damage was done and the guilt of all of that literally ate away her gut, giving her an ulcer and panic attacks and a sadness that was near impossible to shake.

She had to push through it. Fight to get her life back. Her family back. Her job back. And she had but it would never be the same.

Some things were better though. She was closer than ever to JJ, who was there for her during the whole ordeal, and Garcia, who welcomed her back with open arms, and Morgan, who it took great personal toll on his heart to think she was dead and who worked hard to become tight with her again and trust her again. Rossi helped her to bond with the team again by organizing fun team nights where they would cook and play board games and Hotch was always there to listen to her if she was having a bad day.

Then there was Reid- sweet, kind, full of love and forgiveness, Reid. They got closer and closer over the months because they spent many hours having heartfelt talks about their lives- where they were now, their regrets and fears, their dreams and desires. They both wanted to fall in love but didn't know if it would ever happen for them. It was hard to meet new people working in the BAU.

Leaving Reid would be the hardest part of all this. She could still chat with her girls over the computer and when she was back in town Morgan would probably be up for meeting her to either go jogging or get a drink, Rossi would have her over for some dinner and she could always ask Hotch if she could drop by some weekend, bring bagels and coffee, to see him and Jack- and maybe Beth if things kept going good in that department.

It wouldn't be the same as working with them but she would make sure she saw her family still. Reid, though, Emily could not be sure if he would want to see her or let her in as emotionally close to him ever again.

Had she made a mistake taking this new job with Interpol? It felt like she needed to do this but what if the cost was too high to bear?

Or what if she was jumping at this job just to escape being close to a man for the first time in twenty years...so close that she needed him now like she had not needed anyone in most of her life.

Did she say yes to this job just to wreck what was happening between her and Reid?

Shaking her head, trying to clear that depressing thought away, Emily walked over to her desk and opened the drawer, pulling out her paperwork. She needed to get it done so she would be ready to join the team in a few minutes to go to the bar.

There would be plenty of time later to sit around and mull over what shape her friendship with Reid would be in because of the choice she had made today. She'd have lots of long lonely hours in her future once she wasn't working at the BAU anymore.

It was just the price she had to pay if she wanted to accept this assignment. And something inside of her had said that saying yes to this job would be the best thing for her future. She hadn't stopped to think too hard about it.

Had that been a huge mistake? If Reid never forgave her Emily knew she would forever mourn losing their close connection. Did he know all he meant to her? Did she even know herself?

Was she fooling herself to think she got over her crush on him that she had a few years back? Was she running from those buried feelings even now?

Would he give a damn what she felt anymore since she was just another person leaving him behind? Emily ached to answer these questions but there was too much to do right now to sit around and think deep thoughts. Tommorow JJ would marry Will, in a ceremony that her mother planned because JJ was too busy with work.

Tomorrow would be a day meant for love and happy memories. Emily only hoped that Reid would still show up at the wedding and be in the mood to celebrate with all of them. She needed to make things right between her and Reid before she left for Europe in a week.

Because if she left and things were still tense between them then Emily was afraid that what she had broken today- their friendly yet intimate bond- would stay broken for good.


	3. Chapter 3

**A Bad Goodbye**

**Chapter Three**

**May 2012**

Emily could not seem to shake the terrible feeling she had churning in the pit of her stomach on the morning of JJ's wedding. They were all gathered and the ceremony was set to start any minute. Emily hadn't seen Reid yet and she was starting to worry he might not show up at all.

She didn't want to believe he was so upset about her announcement the night before that she was leaving the BAU that he would stay away from one of his closest friend's wedding, so to assure herself that he was there she went to find the groomsmen.

The wedding would be held in a park. The men were all gathered near the gazebo. As soon as she got nearby she could see that Reid's tall frame was not among Will and the rest of his attendants.

Going up to Morgan, she worriedly asked "Where's Reid?"

"He'll be here."

"Are you sure? He wouldn't do this to JJ, would he? Just not show up?"

Right then Emily heard Reid speak, in a slightly annoyed tone and rushed way. His words tended to speed up when he was feeling emotional.

"Relax. I still have 11 minutes and thirty nine seconds before the ceremony is set to start and the typical wedding ceremony in the United States starts nineteen minutes late anyway."

She spun around to see him standing there in his white linen suit, looking as handsome as she had ever seen him before.

Letting out a relieved sigh, she said "You're still cutting it awful close, aren't you?" before flashing him a smile, trying to make peace after the tense reaction he had to learning she was taking a job with Interpol.

He didn't smile back. "I'm not the groom. I didn't need to be here early."

"Right, right," she said, raising her eyebrows in a way that suggested she was just agreeing to avoid an arguement.

Morgan said "Well don't you clean up good, kid. You're almost as hot as Derek Morgan."

"I should get back," Emily said, before walking off.

She was glad that Reid had come to the wedding but him showing up so late probably indicated that he was trying to avoid having to talk to her. He was the type of person who didn't like to deal with confrontation until he was forced to and then he would explode.

Emily hated to think about her and Reid spending her last week on the team being uncomfortable around each other and she also didn't want the last interaction she had with him before going to Europe to be a fight. But she couldn't just let it go.

She had to try to make it right, even if it risked leaving everything all wrong between them.

XXXXXXXXXX

A melancholy smile curved over Emily's lips as she watched Reid dancing with JJ during the wedding reception. Even though Emily had not been on the team back when JJ and Reid went on a date, she had heard about the infamous incident many times before when Morgan teased Reid.

She didn't know what true level of romance there had ever been between the two friends but anyone could see they now held a special place in their hearts for each other, despite the distance that had grown between them over this last year when JJ kept the secret that Emily was really still alive from Reid, even while he had cried buckets of mournful tears on her shoulder.

It was bittersweet to see Reid holding JJ in his arms. The moment must be the culmination of so much in their friendship. Emily wished she could ask Reid what he felt about it. If she hadn't told him she was leaving the BAU then she would be able to.

She was always the person who went to him and got him to spill his hidden feelings about whatever he was going through. Not this time though. Tonight he would barely glance at her and surely was in no mood to open up to her about what was lurking in his heart.

Maybe she had forever ruined their bond by choosing to leave the BAU. It wasn't like any other job. They counted on each other to protect each other's lives. They were a family in so many ways. Without each other there to rely and lean on, they would all surely go a little insane under the pressure of hunting serial killers.

It was a hard life to be a profiler but having each other made it a little easier and now Emily was messing with that for all of them. It hurt Morgan, Garcia, JJ, Rossi and even stoic Hotch to see her make a choice to leave their team but Reid was the only one so bitterly angry about it.

She had grown closer to him in the last eight months- long conversations at work had sometimes led to dinners after work or sharing herbal tea in their hotel rooms before bed. Emily could honestly say there was not any man in her life she was closer to than Reid.

Years ago she fancied herself a little bit in love with him. But the feelings had not been returned and eventually they passed- at least she told herself they had. Now she wondered if that was really true.

All she knew was it was hurting her to think about leaving him, especially when he made it so clear that he didn't want to see her go, when he had told her there was something so incredibly right about working with her, but this was the split second choice she had made when presented with the opportunity to work with Interpol.

That had felt right at the time. She just wasn't sure anymore. If only Reid could tell her it was okay to go, that his friendship would be waiting for her when she returned.

Emily Prentiss never had a home till she came to the BAU. But it never felt completely right again after she returned from Paris.

Now she was willingly giving up the only home and real family unit she ever had in all her life. Was she just running because she couldn't have everything just perfect here? Or was she really taking this job to do good, challenging work, to settle a personal score with one of Doyle's associates?

Her feelings were complex and complicated, and she couldn't even fully unravel them herself. All she knew as that Reid kept coming to her thoughts over and over again- as she worried and fretted that their bond was irrevocably damaged because he would see her choice as completely selfish and showing she had never cared for him at all.

"Prentiss," Derek said, in a soft but commanding voice, "it's your lucky turn to dance with me."

She chuckled wearily but got up and allowed him to lead her to the dance floor. Before the night was over she would dance with many men, including all the ones on her team (though she had to coax Hotch into it)- all of them except Dr. Spencer Reid.

He left the wedding right after he danced with JJ. Emily spent nearly an hour scanning the crowd looking for him, as she chatted with Penelope and Kevin, before Emily finally admitted to herself that Reid must have left.

This time it was he who went without saying goodbye, not giving any of them the chance to do it to him first.


	4. Chapter 4

**A Bad Goodbye**

**Chapter Four**

**May 2012**

It was a long slow week at the BAU after JJ's wedding.

JJ took time off for her honeymoon. The rest of the team, after the Sunday ceremony, were given two days off but told to report back on Wednesday for in-service work. Hotch had a full slate of meetings to attend to, Morgan was teaching self defense classes and Garcia was updating her computers.

Rossi, Prentiss and Reid were supposed to be catching up on paperwork and doing written profiles that would be mailed to police departments around the country. But Reid called off on both Wednesday and Thursday.

Prentiss' last day at work would be Friday. She was left wondering if Reid planned to avoid saying good bye to her altogether and if she should try to track him down to make sure they had a conversation before she boarded a plane to Europe on Saturday afternoon.

Maybe he just needed space to deal with his feelings on her quitting the BAU on his own. It had to bring back bad memories of when Gideon and Elle left. Emily had always known Reid did not deal well with separation from his relatives or friends. She had allowed them to get so much closer emotionally in this last eight months and now he surely had to feel betrayed that she pulled the rug out from under him by making a choice to leave the team.

She had been going back and forth in her mind about whether she could stay at the BAU but she had made a promise to be on the Interpol team and use her knowledge of a particular international criminal to help bring him to justice. It was something she could do and at this point in her life she wanted the change: to not keep looking at the wall that used to have her picture from when she was classified as dead, to not keep having flashbacks to the moment when she left the BAU to hunt down Doyle, not knowing if she would live or die or every come back to her family again.

This was home and she loved her team but her doing this job shouldn't be the only reason she called them her family. If she couldn't leave here and still be tight with them, was she ever really close to them at all?

Emily believed she would maintain good friendships with all her teammates, though of course it would be different to not see them nearly everyday. She would miss them but they would stay her family and this would stay her home.

She feared though that once she left she would lose forever Reid's trust and friendship.

She didn't know what to say to him to make it better but she knew she had to say something. When she came into work on Friday she sat down at her desk, as she did everyday, and let out a sigh that Reid's desk was once again empty.

Garcia came walking back, wearing her colorful garb and carrying her purse, laptop bag and a cup of coffee.

"Gorgeous girl," she greeted Emily "tonight we party and I don't want to hear no lip about it, got it?"

"Garcia," Emily groaned "I still have a lot of packing to do."

"I will take no excuses. This is your last night on this continent for who knows how long and you will spend it among your love ones, missy. Do not make me use Derek's handcuffs on you."

"I will miss that. You are a force to behold when you put your mind on something. All right. I guess I can get a round of drinks with you all tonight but I can't stay out too late."

Penelope looked over Emily's shoulder and pointed "And you, my missing in action lately genius, are coming too!"

Emily whipped around to see Reid, with a cranky expression on his face, walking toward them.

"Coming where?" he asked.

Penelope replied "Out on the town to say Bon Voyage- not goodbye because it will never be goodbye- to our fair Emily."

He grimaced and took his seat, setting his messenger bag on the desk with a heavy plop.

"You don't have to-" Emily started to say, figuring he would only be uncomfortable and moody if he did go along.

"I'll go," he surprised her by saying. "That is if you want me there?"

"Yeah," she said, with a small smile. "Of course, I do."

Penelope declared "Then it's settled! I shall see you later, my lovlies! I really have to get to my liar and set this all down. I do not have the muscles of my chocolate God of thunder, you know."

After she had left, Emily asked Reid "Are you feeling better?"

He raised an eyebrow at her.

She went on "You were sick the last couple of days?"

"I took personal time. We don't get half the time off we are supposed to around here so I took a few days for myself. Is that a problem?"

"No, no, not for me. I mean...Look, Reid, I know you are pissed at me and you feel blindsided -"

"It's my own fault for thinking you'd be different." He opened his messenger bag and pulled out a file.

"I'm leaving the BAU, not you."

"Oh, really? I didn't realize there was a slight distinction, Emily, because to me it feels like you're leaving both the BAU and_ me_." Then he got up, grabbed his bag and stalked off, spending the rest of the day working in Morgan's office inside of next to Emily.

XXXXXXXX

"Oh, I'm not ready to do this!" Penelope cried, as she met up with Emily and Rossi at the elevators when it was time to leave work that day. "I can not bear saying good bye to you again."

"This time you know you can call me whenever you want to," Emily told her. "I promise we will keep in touch. Cross my heart."

Penelope gave her a hug, nearly getting weepy. "You be careful, my dear girl, so I don't have to send our crime fighting friends to rescue you this time."

Rossi said "But you know we will if you ever get jammed up."

"Thank you," Emily said, her voice hitching.

Soon Morgan joined them, saying "I ran into Hotch on my way back from the FTC," field training complex "and he said he still has another meeting to go to so he'll join us later at the bar."

"What about Reid?" Emily asked, glancing back toward the doors of the BAU.

Penelope gave her a sad look and held up her phone. "Sent me a text earlier saying he wasn't feeling up to going out tonight. I'm sorry, sweetie."

Emily sighed. "He hates me."

Derek sympathetically touched her arm. "You know him; he just doesn't like goodbyes."

"No, what he doesn't like is the fact that I re-joined the team and less than a year later I'm leaving again. He's never going to forgive me for this."

Rossi said "You're not doing anything wrong. You deserve to be able to take this career opportunity without feeling guilty about it. We all want the best for you, even Reid. It will just be hard to see you leave the nest, that's all. Trust me, Reid won't hold a grudge. Don't you worry about it. I'll make sure he gets okay will all this. Leave it to the master of human emotions."

Morgan joked "Says the man with three ex-wives."

Everyone chuckled but deep inside Emily couldn't help but being terribly disappointed that Reid had decided not to join them this evening. Now she wouldn't get her chance to make up with him and hug him one last time before she left.

Tommorow her life would change and never be the same again. She would never again work in the BAU, and maybe never again be the person Reid trusted and relied on. She had given up more than a job when she decided to join Interpol- maybe more than she could bear to live without and yet that is the choice she made, to live without the BAU and in particular being the person Reid could share his thoughts and feelings with over tea in a hotel room at a quarter to two am on a weeknight.

No wonder he was so hurt. She acted like that didn't mean enough to her to stay and keep it. It had meant a lot to her though. So much that she was scared to think too hard about why she enjoyed Reid's company as much as she did.

There used to be a time when she could admit to herself she had strong feelings for him, the type that could turn romantic if he let it happen, but then life got in the way and she pushed all those feelings down. Now could she admit to herself, as she was leaving the BAU and him behind, that those feelings were back again?

Was she just as in love and lust with Reid as she had ever been? Who had she been trying to fool the last couple of years by saying she got over him? Herself? Only an idiot would think lying to themselves could ever work.

Right at that moment she felt like an idiot who had just woken up to the truth, when it was too late to make a difference.


	5. Chapter 5

**A Bad Goodbye**

**Chapter Five**

**May 2012**

When he saw her name on his phone, he froze. It was Saturday around noon and Reid knew that Emily's flight was leaving in three and a half hours.

He let the phone go to voicemail and soon the screen was flashing with the message: _1 Missed Call_.

He checked his voicemail and heard her say "It's me. Look, Reid, I get why you didn't come out with the rest of us last night but I really need to...want to...talk to you before I head to the airport. I'm sitting in the coffee shop that is on the corner by your place so if you have the time...if you want to see me...please come down here. I'll be here for an hour...Reid...geez, this sucks. I know you are mad at me and I get why. Please give me a chance to make this better."

Standing there in his living room, he tried to decide if he wanted to go see Emily for what might be the last time for years. Or would it only make the hurt even worse on him?

XXXXXXXX

Relief shone in her eyes when he slid into a seat across from her at the table. "You came," she said.

"Yeah."

"Thank you."

He nodded. "So your flight is at 3:35 pm, right?"

"Yep. I hope to sleep for most of it because I didn't get much rest last night."

"Did you all stay out late at the bar?"

"Not really but I still had a lot of packing to do. Garcia tried to get me drunk but I wasn't really into it. I knew that would just make today's flight pure hell."

"All of this feels like pure hell to me."

"Reid, I'm sorry-"

"You keep saying that but _I'm _sorry because I don't believe you."

"Just because I'm leaving does not negate our relationship up to this point."

"Actually it rather does negate a lot of what I thought was between us. Obviously the friendship I thought we had isn't worth staying around for and that is something I have to accept eventually but stop asking me to pretend that I'm okay with it or give you permission to be happy when you let me believe in you while knowing you would leave at the first chance that came along. I grew to need you but you don't need me."

"I do need you." She placed her hand on top of his. "I care so much about you, too much probably. But being back in the BAU hasn't felt right since I was injured...too much has happened and I need some kind of change in my life. I feel like I'm always trying to act like things are fine when they're not. That I'm happy when I'm not and that this...everything...is enough, when it's far from enough for me."

"Will Interpol be enough? Will _Clyde_?"

Her eyebrows bunched together. Pulling back her hand, she stiffened up before answering "This decision has nothing to do with Clyde."

Clyde Easter had been her former partner on her old team before she joined the BAU.

"_Really_?" Reid sneered. "He asks you to work with him and you jump at the chance. And you want me to believe that is a coincidence. There are no coincidences in life. There are only probabilities and the probability of your decision having been influenced by personal feelings you have for your former partner are high." He leaned over the table. "Your feelings for him are obviously more important to you than your feelings for our whole team. I thought we meant something to you, Emily. Maybe we do. All I know is it's not enough to make you stay. You decided in one day. He showed up and you said yes. You didn't even put any thought into leaving us! I'm _sorry _but I can't tell you that is okay with me."

Reid got up and stormed out of the coffee house. Emily jumped up and raced after him.

She called down the street. "No matter how mad you are at me I will not let you piss me off and make this mutual! I care about you, damn it! Reid! Wait!"

But he didn't. He headed back toward his apartment and left her standing on the street alone. Just the way he felt deep inside now that she was going to Europe.

He didn't hate her but he hated this feeling of losing. Of thinking he had something special with Emily but getting the shot of cold water like a slap in his face when he found out the truth: he was someone she could leave behind without giving it a second thought.

Reid had lost many people in his life before who meant a lot to him but that didn't teach him to lose people with grace. Especially a woman who he had imagined being close to for the rest of his life.

He had grown to care so deeply for Emily. Now he didn't want to think about how his feelings had been starting to go deeper than friendship for her.

That was something he wanted to pretend he never felt because it only made him angry to think he had trusted her that way. What a fool he had been. It was one thing to take another job but one all the way in Europe with a man she had a history with?

She was choosing Europe, Interpol and Clyde over her home, the BAU and Reid. That was how he saw it and since he was a genius he refused to believe he could be wrong about any part of it.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Emily managed to keep it together as she finished packing, loaded her suitcase into the cab, got to the airport, went through security and boarded her flight, but when she sat down in her seat on the plane, the tears welled in her eyes.

She gripped the armrests and breathed out deeply, willing herself not to break down. It would be a very long flight to Europe with all these feelings churning through her.

What had she done?

XXXXXXXXXXX

What had he done?

By the time he made it back to his apartment, climbing the stairs instead of taking the elevator, he was breathless. His anger at Emily had already turned to numbness at the stark realization she was leaving no matter what he said and he had acted childish for the last week he had with her. He hadn't said the things he wanted to. Hadn't told her to be careful and stay safe. Hadn't hugged her once last time.

He left things in the worse possible state between them, thinking it would be easier to let her go if he was mad at her but nothing about this was easy.

Learning to live without Emily was something Reid did not want to face again. The last time she went away he came close to taking drugs. And right at this moment losing himself in the oblivion of Dilaudid sounded like a fine idea.

Being sober meant dealing with his pain and he didn't think he could deal with knowing Emily had chosen to walk away from him.


	6. Chapter 6

**A Bad Goodbye**

**Chapter Six**

**December 2012**

Emily pulled her black wool coat tighter around herself as she got out of the cab outside of the bar. It was the same bar where the team always went to blow off steam. Garcia had convinced her to surprise the team by dropping in tonight.

Letting out a small sigh, Emily pushed her way into the bar, let her eyes adjust to the darkness and then scanned the room, looking for her former team. Though she had left the team seven months before, most of them remained like family to her. When she could she sent e-mails to them and sometimes got a chance to Skype with her girls. Hotch called to check on her once a month and she called Rossi whenever she needed advice on a case.

Spencer Reid was the only member of her former team that she had no contact with. There were many moments when she thought of calling him, even longed to hear his voice, but she would talk herself out of it. She didn't want to be rejected by him.

It was better to just let time go by and hope that healed the wound she made when she had left.

Her eyes settled on Penelope Garcia, who stuck out because she was wearing a hat with a big red flower sticking out of it, and then her gaze moved around the table to take in Hotch, Beth, Rossi, JJ and Will, Morgan, Reid and Ashley Seaver.

As much as Emily did like Ashley, she was surprised to see the agent there. She didn't work with Hotch's team anymore, but instead was on Agent Swann's team. At least Seaver had been the last time that Emily heard. Maybe things had changed since Emily left Quantico and no one had mentioned it to her.

Plastering a smile on her face, and pushing down the butterflies going through her stomach, she made her way to the table and cried "Hey!"

Everyone greeted her warmly, except Reid. He just stared at her, his dark eyes unreadable. When their gaze met, Emily gasped softly.

"I missed you," she told him, focusing only on him.

"Funny way to show it," he shot back.

She shook her head, sadly. "Reid, come on, don't give me a hard time. You know I can't stand when you are mad at me."

There was a long moment of tension before Morgan offered to buy a round of drinks for the table, adding that it would be charged onto Rossi's credit card because he's rich. Everyone chuckled.

Emily hugged Penelope and JJ and then slid into her seat, trying to enjoy her reunion with her friends but the whole time she was aware of the tension between herself and Reid. And she kept wondering if maybe Ashley was there not to see her but because she was dating Reid.

If that was true then Emily would be happy for him. Ashley was young, beautiful and eager to grow into an excellent agent. She could bring a lot of fun to Reid's life. Emily knew they had bonded the year before while Emily was away in Paris.

It would only make sense for them to bond again when Emily moved back to Europe. And the irony would be just about fitting for her life: while she was working thousands miles away, missing Reid and wishing that she had the guts to tell him she had fallen in love with him, he was here falling in love with someone else.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Hey, how long have they been dating?" Emily asked JJ, as they were in the bathroom at the bar.

"Who?" Seeing the look on Emily's face, JJ said "Reid and Seaver? They're just friends. I think she had a thing for him when she worked with us but he never let it go anywhere- at least I doubt he did because she started dating one of the cadets. Taylor...Brian Taylor. He's in Covert Ops."

"Oh. I just wondered."

"If anyone missed you, it's been Reid. We don't even say your name cause no one wants to set him off."

"So he still hates me?"

"You know him. He feels everything so deeply. I wish he would find someone to be with so he would have somewhere to put all those feelings. You two were getting so close for a while there...we all kinda thought something was going on?"

"Me and Reid? He would have to stop hating me first." Emily went to leave the bathroom but JJ touched her shoulder.

"You're home again, Em. This time figure out what you want and tell him. It only hurts him when you're not honest."

Emily let out a long breath, as the slightest tears came to her eyes, because she was thinking about the distance that lay between her and Reid now. "What do I have to lose now?"

She had already messed up the trust between them and their deep friendship. If she told him how much he meant to her he could either tell her to go to hell, that he did not believe her or he could tell her that he had been so deeply hurt when she left because he was crazy about her too.

It was nearly Christmas and she was back in the states for the first time in seven months. Since her job with Interpol had ended Emily needed to look for a new job. She was at another turning point in her life.

She could keep ignoring all her hidden and pushed down feelings for Reid but she doubted they would ever go away. All it would do is stress her out even more and make her ulcer worse. Even if it was the last thing he might want to hear, it was time for Emily to take a chance and tell Reid all he meant to her.

XXXXXXXX

When everyone was leaving the bar, Emily asked Reid "Do you think you can give me a ride to my hotel?" She told him what hotel she was staying at and then added "My apartment is still being subletted for the next five months."

Reid stared at her, rocking back on his heels, and after a long moment he said, in a reluctant tone, "I guess so."

"If it's too much trouble-"

"I said it's fine, Emily. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go warm up my car." He walked off, leaving her there with the rest of the team.

Morgan had his arm around Garcia's shoulder. "Well, you have fun, Prentiss. He is in quite the _mood_ tonight."

Penelope crossed her fingers, which were inside of gloves. "Hopefully you two can kiss and make up."

JJ and Emily shared a look. Everyone said their goodnights and then Emily made her way to Reid's big, old beast of a car, hauling open the heavy steel door with a hard yank. She slid in and put on her seat belt.

They rode in silence for a while until she asked "So, uh, are you dating anyone these days?"

"Dating anyone? Huh?"

"You know...romantically involved...having sex...interested in?"

"I don't date. You already know that about me."

"Oh, come on! You've been on dates before and had relationships. I know we're not as close as we used to be but I was just wonder-"

His grip tightened on the steering wheel. "You said that when you left the BAU you were not leaving me but I'm the only one who you didn't call or write. Care to explain why you think I would still give a damn about anything you think you feel about me? Because even though I have an IQ of 187, I can't put it together."

"Reid," she whispered.

"Emily, just stop! That tone does not work on me anymore. I don't care if you're sorry. I honestly don't. All I care about are your actions and your actions say I mean very little to you. Too bad I can not honestly say the feeling is mutual but trust me I am working on rectifying that."

"With Ashley?" The question ended up sounding like a sneer instead of simple curiosity.

He looked flabbergasted for a moment, before he asked "Are you actually jealous over the thought of me dating someone? That I might be happy without you around? Or is it just that I'll allow someone else to get close to me, like you used to be? Don't blame Seaver for being here for me when you're not. Besides, I'm no closer to her than I ever was. She came tonight because she cares for you, not me!"

"I know I hurt you when I left but you can't stay mad at me for the rest of our lives!"

"Yes, I can! Don't tell me what I can and can't do. Don't treat me like a kid!"

"Reid-"

"I don't want to hear anything else from you tonight. Or ever again. I'm done with caring about you, Emily. _Done. _Do you need to hear it in five other languages or do you understand?"

Her face grew warm and tears came to her eyes. "Can you just listen to one more thing?...I didn't realize it at the time but I left partly because I was running away from this." She motioned between them. "From whatever this is between us. It scared the hell out of me. I didn't have the guts to tell you how I felt so I took off."

They rode the rest of the way to the hotel with a thick, emotional laden silence filling the air. Reid pulled up to the circle drive in front of the building and turned to face Emily.

"So tell me now," Reid said. "How did you feel about me that made you leave me?"


	7. Chapter 7

**A Bad Goodbye**

**Chapter Seven**

**December 2012**

She was doing this all wrong, just like she handled everything in her life badly- from her relationship with her mother, to all her secret keeping about Doyle, to this most important part of herself, her deep and ever growing stronger feelings for Spencer Reid.

Seeing him sitting next to Ashley Seaver, a young and sexy blonde, at the bar had immediately made Emily jealous. She imagined Ashley in Reid's bed, Ashley being the one Reid watched foreign films with and cried in her arms whenever his mom had a relapse.

She couldn't stand the thought that Ashley got to have everything Emily wanted for herself and got to share a life with a man that Emily had walked away from.

As soon as she was alone with Reid, Emily couldn't help but ask him if he was screwing around with Ashley, even though she had no right to question who he took to his bed. That started a fight between them. He didn't get why she would care and all he could think about was the fact she had written and called the rest of the members of the team while she was working in Europe but had ignored him.

Just as he had ignored her.

Now all their pent up feelings were coming out as they screamed at each other while Reid drove Emily back to her hotel.

She cried "I know I hurt you when I left but you can't stay mad at me for the rest of our lives!"

"Yes, I can! Don't tell me what I can and can't do. Don't treat me like a kid!"

"Reid-"

"I don't want to hear anything else from you tonight. Or ever again. I'm done with caring about you, Emily. _Done. _Do you need to hear it in five other languages or do you understand?"

Her face grew warm and tears came to her eyes. "Can you just listen to one more thing?...I didn't realize it at the time but I left partly because I was running away from this." She motioned between them. "From whatever this is between us. It scared the hell out of me. I didn't have the guts to tell you how I felt so I took off."

They rode the rest of the way to the hotel with a thick, emotional laden silence filling the air. Reid pulled up to the circle drive in front of the building and turned to face Emily.

"So tell me now," Reid said. "How did you feel about me that made you leave me?"

Letting out a fortifying breath, she turned to face him. "I got scared because I thought I might be falling in love with you or something."

XXXXXXXX

As her words washed over Reid, his heart started to beat fast for a reason other than anger and frustration. He suddenly realized something really important: he was not the only person who sucked at romance.

Emily really sucked at it. She might even be more terrified than he was to face the feelings that they had for each other. He had been blind to her fear and insecurities because all he could think about was his own heartache at losing her from his life when she had left for Europe. He had felt so duped: she had made him believe in their friendship, their deep connection, let him finally enjoy connecting to a woman and then she had taken it all away.

But it wasn't because she didn't care.

It was because she cared too much and she needed him to help her now to deal with this, to accept it was safe and okay to care this much about him, to know that she didn't have to run away and live a life in misery with only her job to give her any meaning at all.

What she said repeated in his mind: _I got scared because I thought I might be falling in love with you or something._

The words nearly got stuck in his throat as he leaned closer to her and asked "You thought?"

His hand cupped her cheek.

Her breaths were shaky as she nodded her head. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

Reid gently caressed her lips, growing bold in the knowledge that she returned the feelings he had been trying to ignore for far too long. "Emily, it's okay to tell me the truth. Tell me everything. I want to hear it...I need to."

She pressed her cheek against the palm of his hand. "I've never felt this close to a guy before. Not even the ones I've slept with. That scared me, Reid. It still does."

"You don't have to be scared," he promised her, while he moved his lips even nearer to hers, "because we can figure this out together."

As his mouth pressed to hers, warmth flooded through him, easing all the cold and empty spaces that had formed in his soul since she had left for Europe. His hands fisted in her hair as he tugged her even closer, a low growl escaping his lips as desire licked at his gut.

It had been so long since he had been with a woman. Too long. And it had been all his life that he had gone without feeling this exact way...in love and lust at the same time. This was also the first time that he had ever been sure a relationship was the right thing to go for, even if it may sometimes hurt and was a huge risk.

This time he wasn't scared of romance. He was scared of living his life without it, without her, without all he had come to need so much but only tonight could he finally say it aloud.

XXXXXXXX

From the moment he had leaned closer to her, Emily felt completely breathless. She was lost in the sensation of his touch upon her cheek, desperately pressing her face against the slightly roughened flesh of his hand. When his lips connected with hers, she eagerly moved her hands up to take hold of his jaw, his stubble brushing against her fingers as her mouth opened beneath his.

The sound of his desire laced moan sent thrills racing over her skin, and moistness pulling between her legs.

She had come back to Quantico because her job with Interpol was over and because it was home. But she had also come back to see Reid. She needed to know if he could ever forgive her. Emily hadn't believed he could love her anymore. She had been so wrong about everything.

As their lips broke apart, she kept caressing his face and whispered "Oh, Reid."

A car horn honked and made him jump, which caused her to chuckle.

Someone wanted to pull up to the hotel and Reid's huge old beast of a vehicle was blocking the way.

Reid said "I should go..."

"Probably...unless you want to come up?"

"Some other time?"

"Promise?"

He looked back at the other car that was waiting, as the driver honked again. "That guy should realize that road rage accounts for thousands of deaths per year in this country."

"If he knew how long I've been waiting for something like this to happen to me, he would stop pushing his luck for sure."

Reid smirked before his smile grew more tender. "Let him wait," he said, leaning over and kissing her again. When they broke apart, he said "I'm still mad you didn't call or write me but I suppose I can forgive you, just this once."

"I didn't want you to hang up on me or burn my letter."

"I wouldn't have...probably."

HONK! HONK! HONK!

"I should go," Emily said. "You're off tommorow, right?"

He nodded.

She asked "How about brunch in my room?"

"Does the hotel have pancakes with whip cream?"

"The hotel has me, a bed and a whirlpool tub in my suite."

"Sold."

They grinned at each other before she left the car. Reid jumped out and came around. "Emily!"

He took her in his arms and kissed her some more. The guy in the other car got out and yelled at them for blocking traffic but they didn't even respond to him. All Reid cared about was the fact that the woman he could not live without was finally home.

There would never be another bad goodbye between them ever again.

THE END


End file.
